Where to begin!
I was lost, broken, my marriage was falling apart, smoking weed and getting drunk every weekend. But most importantly.. I was heading straight to hell!
Until God took control.
I was stubborn, wanting things done my way. Thought that I was able to fix it on my own. Until everything.. and I mean absolutely everything was falling apart around me!
I was married to my high school sweetheart for only six months.. when I almost lost it all!
So I will start from the beginning!
It was a Saturday night and my Husband and I were heading out with some friends for a birthday party. We were there for about three hours and not making the best decisions. Allowing the alcohol to take absolute control over us. We left shortly after as the bar was closing.. and on our way home was when I snapped. While we were in the bar a girl had came up and was trying to show my husband something and had her arm around him. That made me jealous.. and angry as all goes out. But I chose to take it out on him once we got home. We walked in, I started slamming doors. Screaming, calling him every name in the book because I was terrified something was going to ruin our relationship again! (There were a lot of trust issues on both sides) I finally called him.. his dad who walked out on him at the age of seven. I knew all the buttons to push and I pushed them hard. That was the moment I knew I had said something I was never going to be able to take back. Something that was about to end my marriage. The hurt in his eyes.. was something I will never be able to forget. His eyes became glossy as he said I’m done.. I can’t do this anymore as he walked out the door. I sat in the middle of the room in complete despair as I didn’t think the buttons (that I pushed to often) would finally go off warning him to leave.
He left and headed to his moms, which his mom proceeded to tell him to come back home. He came home and I was in bed bawling. No words were said as he walked in and laid on the couch. Well here I went again, went out and said more and more and more. I couldn’t stop I was raging inside. Until finally he brought up the “D” word. He was done. Officially done.
I went back to the room and laid in bed.. not knowing what to do, he didn’t want to fix this.. my whole world came crumbling down. Even though I knew my insecurities caused this.
I probably got two hours of sleep, and at 8am my alarm went off. As soon as I looked at the time realized that I had promised our 4 year old the night before that I would go to church with her (at the time she was going with my parents to the church I had been to a couple of times back when I was 17). I was like nope not today, I turned it off and laid back down.. but I couldn’t go back to bed no matter how hard I tried. I got up and was like okay, God if you want me to go.. I’ll go but I’m wearing a sweatshirt and not getting done up. After about 15 minutes I went out the door. There were a million thoughts that were going through my head as I was heading to the church. I got out of my car, as soon my daughter had seen me and got so excited. But I couldn’t help but look at her with tears, knowing that her world was about to turn upside down, knowing that she was about to go from having her parents together to a broken home.
I walked in the church with my head down following my parents, we go to sit.. and right before we were able to Pastor Dick came to give them a hug, looked behind them and smiled and said “wow Ashley how are you?” While giving me a huge hug. I lost it.. I broke down right there. He looked right at me, as if he was looking at my soul.. seeing how broken it was and just simply said.. “are you ready?” I nodded my head. We all sat, during the entire worship and service I just sat and cried, it’s was everything that I needed to hear.. God was speaking right to me.
Then.. as soon as service was over.. I wanted to leave.. but I was being pulled to go to the front. I walked up, make up smeared, hung over.. sick to my stomach and not knowing where to turn to next. As I stood in front of Pastor Dick, he said “Ash?” I looked up at him as my eyes were filling up with tears.. and he finally said.. “are you ready?” My knees started buckling, I started shaking and said yes.. I need this, I need Him.
And on that day!! 2/25/18 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord! On that day my whole life changed.. on that day.. MY EYES WERE OPENED!
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:2
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Matthew 16:24
I Am Chosen, Not Forsaken! 